Wife. Mama. Amateur Cook. Pretend Sewer. Novice To All Things Domestic.

Walking through it.

Posted on: Tuesday, April 8, 2014

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There is a part of my character that I feel holds me back from life- the need to be accepted- this deep desire to please those around me. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is an important trait to have in order to maintain healthy relationships- but for me, I can get stuck in this place where I am too scared to share what I feel because I am afraid you will think less of me.

I feel like I can not give myself authentically, especially on a blog, until I am writing just to share my raw, vulnerable feelings without reworking every thought- considering how it will shift the person on the receiving ends perception of what I am trying to portray.

I want to write the truth.

This crippling fear has held me tight in its grasp the last few months.

Does this come down to self love and acceptance?

I heard a message a few weeks ago while visiting a church in Jacksonville where the pastor hit on woman’s innate self esteem issues. He said he believes this is one of the inherited blemishes we have to walk through as a consequence of Eve’s choice in the garden. He noted how he has never met a woman who did not suffer with some level of this affliction.

He mentioned how every night before bed he made his daughter repeat Psalms 139:14 with him – he intentionally recited “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” and then again, with more passion, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

My cheeks were sopping wet when he finished.

As I write this, I am trying to think of how I can better explain this moment- this truth that wrecked my heart. This realization that for whatever reason(s) – my childhood, abandonment issues, my past choices, my personality- I suffer from this deep need to be “OK” in others eyes. And although it may have aided me in my choice to change my life for the better, today, I believe it is a hindrance.

I often tell myself that my hesitance to write is out of my cautious attempts to not hurt anyone with my words. When I started writing, that was one of the most important standards I laid out for myself- but I also think I use that “rule” as a crutch to not share.

I know that I am enough for God. And if I truly believe that, then I also have to believe that I am enough for the people I encounter in this life.

Here’s to putting it all out there- to pulling the cloak off of the trepidation that has controlled my heart for too long.

 

 

 

 

 

5 comments :

  • Kyra Faulkner

    what a beautiful verse! I’ll have to go back + make sure I’ve marked that one in my bible. I also love the idea of reading that, or a similar verse with my daughter when she’s old enough each night. those little things sure do add up ?

  • Kyra Faulkner

    what a beautiful verse! I’ll have to go back + make sure I’ve marked that one in my bible. I also love the idea of reading that, or a similar verse with my daughter when she’s old enough each night. those little things sure do add up

    • Shayna Shayna

      You should! The world will beat them down enough. Our babies deserve to know that they are enough- that they are perfect to us. :)

  • Jayne Carter

    Shayna,
    You are a blessing to our family and I am proud to call you daughter. We all come with baggage from our childhood and past. I love you for who you are today. An excellent mother, wife and daughter.
    May GOD bless us all as we suffer from past real and imagined wounds.

    LOVE YA

  • Liz

    I’ve been suffering this same thing, seriously. I want to write, write, WRITE everything I have pent up in my heart but I’m so afraid for the truth to be “out there”. I just read this great book about women (and what God thinks of us!)- Ms. Understood by Jen Hatmaker. Check it out!

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