There is a part of my character that I feel holds me back from life- the need to be accepted- this deep desire to please those around me. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this is an important trait to have in order to maintain healthy relationships- but for me, I can get stuck in this place where I am too scared to share what I feel because I am afraid you will think less of me.
I feel like I can not give myself authentically, especially on a blog, until I am writing just to share my raw, vulnerable feelings without reworking every thought- considering how it will shift the person on the receiving ends perception of what I am trying to portray.
I want to write the truth.
This crippling fear has held me tight in its grasp the last few months.
Does this come down to self love and acceptance?
I heard a message a few weeks ago while visiting a church in Jacksonville where the pastor hit on woman’s innate self esteem issues. He said he believes this is one of the inherited blemishes we have to walk through as a consequence of Eve’s choice in the garden. He noted how he has never met a woman who did not suffer with some level of this affliction.
He mentioned how every night before bed he made his daughter repeat Psalms 139:14 with him – he intentionally recited “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” and then again, with more passion, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
My cheeks were sopping wet when he finished.
As I write this, I am trying to think of how I can better explain this moment- this truth that wrecked my heart. This realization that for whatever reason(s) – my childhood, abandonment issues, my past choices, my personality- I suffer from this deep need to be “OK” in others eyes. And although it may have aided me in my choice to change my life for the better, today, I believe it is a hindrance.
I often tell myself that my hesitance to write is out of my cautious attempts to not hurt anyone with my words. When I started writing, that was one of the most important standards I laid out for myself- but I also think I use that “rule” as a crutch to not share.
I know that I am enough for God. And if I truly believe that, then I also have to believe that I am enough for the people I encounter in this life.
Here’s to putting it all out there- to pulling the cloak off of the trepidation that has controlled my heart for too long.
